Grand in My Dreams

I wrote this a couple of years ago and was reminded of it this week.

A dream will not usually wake me up. Though occasionally I not only recall vivid details, I carry the feeling with me for a period of days. This was no nightmare. Quite the opposite actually. I, in my dream, experienced a meaningful sense of euphoric nostalgia.

For reasons unknown, seemingly unprovoked, I dreamed of my days at Wayne, West Virginia. As happens in dreams though, it was like I was outside looking in, yet fully participating and recognized. It began with a throng of people, mostly unfamiliar faces outside under cool, gray skies. Not rain or storms, just overcast. The weather didn't dampen the intensity of my emotion. I had a sense of a return to the past, ushered by present feelings. I was returning to a place I loved, probably the most-loved place from my past.

Entering a building, I find myself in a dimly lit large room, resemblence to a gym, though more grand than the reality. In the distance I hear the faint call of the faceless crowd and am drawn to it by a warmth indescribable. As I make the journey across the room toward the warmth, I hear familiar voices, recall certain events from my past that are filled with meaning. Drawing closer to the warmth and ever-broadening brightness, the sound of laughter and joy eminate. Walking into the awaiting portal, I am transformed into a 15 year-old boy again. The cool dampness of the outdoors is overwhelmed by the joy of nostalgia, for I am back in the present. No longer am I a participant; I am a mere observer. I find myself in that realm of conflict as I desire to bask in the grandness of my dreams while consciousness tugs ever so gently, yet persistently. I awake with tears in my eyes, dripping to my cheek; unsure if they are tears of joy from the experience or tears of sorrow that the connection has been broken.

Why this dream, so vivid, on this night, I don't know. It is sometime in May and I believe we decided to move from Wayne about this time. Laying in bed wondering about a meaning for the dream and some sense of understanding, I had to get up. I wanted to go back to sleep and resume the thought again but was unable. I thought of my wife, looked at her sleeping, then for some reason, I went straight to the bedsides of my two children. Seeing their sleeping innocence, I couldn't take my eyes from them. The longer I saw them, the clearer my understanding. the clearer my task and duty. The meaning of the dream had nothing to do with any certain place, no particular people, no specific period of time. It did have something to do with me; who I was and who I have become, what I will be. I guess leaving Wayne was my defining moment, a test perhaps. God wanted to know if my trust in Him was trust. Wayne, I believe, was the testing ground of my faith. Everything I had learned up to that point was training, instruction from Godly parents. God knew I was getting comfortable with who I was and where my focus was. I needed to demonstrate my faith and dependence on Him. My, how we are blessed when we allow God reign in our hearts and depend upon His guidance.

My mind instantly turned to how God was leadingme to His purpose. My patience and reliance on Him lead me to Jodi. I opened my eyes again and Anna Clair, sprawled across the bed, lay peacefully asleep. I walked back to Levi's bed and found him, face covered with blanket, also peacefully asleep. Again, my task and duty are evident. My task and God-directed duty is to prepare these two precious souls for lives of service to God. I must instill in them lessons for eternity. They must see in me, Jesus Christ, in all things, at all times. They must see in me a life of dependence upon God for everything. I am humbled by this privilege! Because I don't know when their life lessons will be called into action, I must be vigilant and strong. Never wavering, never compromising, never ceasing. Always leading, always encouraging, always praying. I must give them my faith as a seed. Then I must water and nourish it, tend it. I must feed it with the truth so that when it is tested, it becomes their faith. Oh how sad indeed to lose Anna Clair or Levi, or both of them to the world. My heart could not bear it! Now, more that ever before, with vision clear, I press on to my task and duty. May I have no regrets.

I return to slumber with a renewed vigor to lead my family so that someday my children will recall a certain place, a particular group of people, or a specific period of time and realize that the feelings are who they are; that God has lead them to that place and will always lead them when they depend on Him. I am blessed beyond measure!